One of the scariest things in the world is to be the person who initiates.

Initiates:

• Text to a friend
• Hello to a neighbor
• Asking a person on a date

We get scared because we’re worried the other person is going to reject us. Picturing our teenage version of ourselves getting laughed at by others in school.

Instead of being the one who starts, we don’t do anything and hope the other person does. The other person is doing the same thing which leads to 2 people not talking because they’re both scared to initiate.

Social Interaction

We’re wired for social interaction. During the thousands of years of our ancestors being hunter and gatherers, they needed to be part of a group.

Groups were important for:

• Hunting
• Protection
• Child care

They needed to stay in groups to survive.

If they were kicked out of the group, they were left to fend on their own. This would usually mean death unless they could find another group to join.

We’re thousands of years removed from this, but we’re still wired to crave this type of interaction. Being kicked out of a group feels like the worst possible thing. Being rejected feels like a death sentence.

Friends Today

Technology has been great about allowing us to keep up with friends. It used to be that a friend would move away and we would barely see them again. Phones and social media have now made it easier than ever to keep in touch.

It’s so easy that we take a lot of it for granted. We see our friends posts and stories and think we know how they’re doing. Everyone on social media looks like they’re having the time of their lives. We rarely know the true story.

Many friend groups send memes back and forth, talking about surface level topics like sports. We can spend all day on these topics and be good with it. We say:

But it doesn’t have to be like that. I’ve had friends that I’ve had deeper conversations with and realize how much they’re hurting inside. I had times in my life where I was struggling and I didn’t talk to anyone about it.

Afterwards me and the friend both agreed that we should have opened up to the other. But what happened after this?

Neither of us opened up again.

Vulnerability

It’s hard to be vulnerable. Putting ourselves out there and getting rejected? That feels horrible. It makes us never want to try again.

For men, it’s difficult to open up. We’re told not to have feelings and to deal with it. They tell us:

But suppressing feelings doesn’t work. It leads to not understanding them and bottling them up, eventually with a big blow-up. Then people say you have anger issues.

How Do We Fix This?

1. Open up to our friends more

We need to open up with our friends more. Start by sharing something that’s been on your mind to one of your friends.

When my son was born, I was scared about being a father. I wish I would have asked friends and family who were Dad’s for advice before he was born. I had a few Dad’s give me advice when they heard I was having a kid. They knew that other Men wouldn’t ask for advice. Their advice was always helpful and calmed me down

2. Reflect

Look at times in our life where things didn’t go as well. Replay those situations and how we can make it go better. Work to understand the feelings and emotions that were coming up at the time. Look at why you feel this way and what the root cause is.

Someone said something that bothered you?

Try to understand why it bothers you so much. Don’t let it have power over you.

3. Create List of 10 Friends

Write down the name of 10 friends that you want to keep in touch with more. Once a month, text them. Something simple like a shared memory or inside joke.

Our friends always want to hear from us, don’t be scared to text them first. Many friendships die because someone is scared to text first.