When kids become teenagers, they start making decisions with real consequences.

These aren’t make or break decisions, but picking the wrong one can send them back a few years.

When you see your child making a wrong decision like this, a parent’s first thought is to tell them how wrong they are.

“You shouldn’t date that person, they’re terrible for you.”

Something a parent would say to a child. But put yourself in their shoes.

Last time someone told you not to do something, what did it make you want to do?

The exact thing you weren’t supposed to.

“oh you don’t want me to date that person, that’s exactly what I’m going to do now.”

We end up forcing our child to do the exact thing we don’t want them to because we’re pushing so hard against it. In an act of rebellion they’re doing what we don’t want them to do.

Albert Einstein’s parents learned this the hard way.

Albert’s life was going great. He was 17 years old, living with a host family while he attended school.

Normally a loner during his early years, this family made him social and brought out the best in him. Then his first girlfriend became one of the families’ daughters, Marie.

Everything was going well. Then he went off to college away from the family.

Then he met a girl named Mileva who caught his eye. She was everything he wanted in a romantic partner. She had depth, soul and a passion for math and science.

His parents loved Marie and hated Mileva. Marie was everything his mother wanted Albert to have in a girlfriend: safe, respectable, predictable.

Mileva was everything his mom didn’t want.

Pauline pushed hard against Mileva. Seeing only problems and objecting every time she spoke to Albert. Listing all the bad things about Mileva.

What do you think happened because of this?

The more she pushed, the more Albert dug in. Albert got closer to Mileva and further away from his mom.

This drew a wedge between their relationship that would take years to solve.

Whether Pauline was right about Mileva didn’t matter, her approach guaranteed the outcome she feared. The relationship with Mileva would never work out. Her and Albert would eventually divorce and Albert’s life was in shambles.

Pauline’s concerns were legitimate but that doesn’t make her approach right. The harder she pushed, the more Albert went away from her.

We think if we say something loudly enough our kids will listen to us. But that’s not how we’re wired. The more someone tells us not to do something, the more we want to do it.

The next time your teenager makes a choice that terrifies you, resist the urge to catastrophize. Ask questions instead of issuing warnings. Share your concerns without demanding they comply. Give them room to think it through.

They might still make the wrong choice. But at least they’ll make it with you in their corner, not in spite of you standing in their way.